


saudade

by pageofwands (eorumverba)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Exes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 15:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16411499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eorumverba/pseuds/pageofwands
Summary: “I think I just...missed you. Us.” Julian mumbles eventually. His hand is cold in Asra’s, like always, fingers tapping out gentle patterns into his skin like he always does when he’s a little bit nervous, a little bit anxious.





	saudade

**Author's Note:**

> oops ,

**julian** : can i come over

Asra’s phone buzzes with the text and he frowns a little when he picks it up. He’s about to put it back down and ignore Julian’s message completely when it buzzes again.

**julian** : please, asra

**asra** : ok

Julian comes up without knocking, clearing his throat a little awkwardly even though Asra heard the front door shut and the sounds of him coming up the stairs. “I...I brought takeout.” It’s very clearly an apology, but whether it’s for the intrusion or for everything else, Asra doesn’t know.

“You know, you don’t have to apologize, Julian.” When Asra turns around, Julian is still hovering awkwardly in the doorway, bag of food clutched tight in his hand. His eyes are glued to the floor, and his whole body tenses when Asra stands and comes closer, enough to smooth his hands down the length of his shoulders.

“What’s wrong, Julian?”

“Just...stressed, I guess.”

Asra knows Julian better than he knows himself, so he just nods and helps Julian struggle out of his jacket and tugs him over to his bed, still unmade. “Come on, Ilya. Get in.”

Julian does as he’s told, fully pliant, and he heaves a little sigh when Asra gets in after him and tucks them in. “I am sorry, really. Just…” And that’s all, because - that’s not how Julian works.

“Do you want to watch something, Ilya?”

Eyes closed, Asra feels more than sees Julian nod against his chest, and as soon as Asra grabs his laptop from the nightstand, Julian curls himself into him. He fits there, like he always did before, and the only reason that Asra doesn’t bother to hide his smile is because Julian isn’t looking at him when he mumbles, “You still smell the same.”

“Oh, love-” the petname slips out, but Julian doesn’t seem to mind, and no, of course he wouldn’t. “Tell me what you want to watch.”

“Anything, you pick. Aren’t you hungry?”

Admittedly, the food smells good, and he hasn’t eaten in a while, but Asra  _ knows  _ Julian, so he shakes his head and runs his fingers through Julian’s hair, messy like always. “No, Julian, I’m not.” As he speaks, Asra scrolls through Netflix, picking one of the childish cartoons that he knows Julian loves. It’s one they’ve seen before, and Julian makes a little noise when the movie starts, shifts around to get comfortable. Reaches out to fumble for Asra’s hand and laces their fingers together (and Asra lets him). It’s warm and familiar like this, though Asra does not say as much, because he  _ knows  _ Julian, knows how easy Julian is and how much a word of this  _ familiarity  _ would mean to him.

“I think I just...missed you. Us.” Julian mumbles eventually. His hand is cold in Asra’s, like always, fingers tapping out gentle patterns into his skin like he always does when he’s a little bit nervous, a little bit anxious.

“Ilya…”

“I know, I know. I just...I can’t  _ help  _ it.”

“You always did have too big of a heart, Ilya.”

Julian snorts, tips his head up and of course, there’s that familiar grin, too sharp around the edges to be genuine. “That’s not the only thing about me that’s too big.”

“Oh, shut  _ up _ , Ilya.”

Julian barks out a laugh and, as if on instinct, leans up to press a quick kiss to Asra’s lips. And maybe it’s out of shock, or maybe he missed Julian too, but Asra - lets him. Right away, Julian pulls back, and Asra is torn between pulling him back in and letting him go, but something in Julian’s expression changes, becomes more resolved. And Julian’s always known Asra better than he knows himself, so he’s quick to push himself closer and kiss him again, firm this time, and so, so easy. It feels like coming home, with Julian’s hands settling careful on his cheeks as he shifts and shifts closer. When he settles, he’s blanketing Asra’s body with his own, a comforting, familiar weight and warmth.

Their kisses are still gentle, which is almost surprising, but then, Julian always has been soft. When Asra brings his hands up to rest against his waist, Julian’s whole body relaxes again, and he heaves a gentle sigh. And from there, it’s all familiarity, all remembering: the slight roughness of Julian’s lips (he still forgets to put on chapstick) and the stillness of his hands when he kisses slow (he still focuses in on the kiss and nothing else) and the way his whole body melts into Asra’s (he still kisses with his everything, still shows how much he feels just like this).

Eventually, Julian pulls back, lingering close to Asra’s face, just like before. “I’m sorry,” he breathes, and he does look genuinely apologetic but for the way his eyes flirt with Asra’s lips.

“Sorry for what, Julian?”

Julian shrugs. Leaves it up to Asra to interpret, and  whether it’s for the kiss or everything else, Asra doesn’t know. All he does know is that Julian’s breath catches in his throat when Asra reaches up to cup his cheeks, that he follows willingly when Asra brings him down again and into another kiss, that Julian keeps everything feather light, as if he’s scared that one wrong move, too much pressure, and the spell will break and everything will be ruined.

All Asra knows is that - is that feels the same. So he grips Julian tight, keeps him close, tries to put the  _ feeling  _ into the kiss, the feeling that this isn’t going anywhere,  _ he _ isn’t going anywhere.

“Asra,” and it’s not fair how breathy Julian sounds, not fair how genuine, how honest. “Please, can we-” And that’s all. It’s up to Asra to decide what that means. And he’s not sure, doesn’t know what to say, until Julian looks up, and - and his eyes are pleading, and he looks so raw and vulnerable that Asra couldn’t deny him anything in this moment. So he takes both of Julian’s hands in his and kisses the knuckles, makes sure Julian’s gaze holds his before he nods.

“Yes, Ilya. Anything.”

Julian nods, and there’s something left unspoken, something in the air, something that only breaks and settles when Julian lets out a shaky sigh and shifts again, curling himself back into Asra’s side. “I’m still in love with you,” he says then, trying for brave and ending up sounding mostly shy, mostly soft.

“I know, love. I know.” And that’s all. Asra sees Julian nod, feels the last of the tension leave his body, and when he reaches out to restart the movie that neither of them had been paying attention to, Asra knows he’s okay. Knows that no matter how he may deny it, this - this approval and this affection and this  _ intimacy  _ \- was what Julian needed, at least from him. He squeezes Julian’s hand twice, something wordless, something questioning, and Julian squeezes back, once and then again.

And yeah, Asra thinks- (and _knows_ , because he knows Julian better than he knows himself)

He’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> \+ [tumblr](http://page-ofwands.tumblr.com)


End file.
